Conflicting Interests?

I just arrived home after making a (seemingly daily) food run. As I was driving home and munching on a "Go Raw" bar (which I knew would make my body feel good, but was a little less than savory...), I got to thinking about an omnipresent conflict that I currently face while learning to eat intuitively: I feel both anxious when there's food around and - likewise - when food is scarce. My dietitian assures me that learning to trust yourself with food is a *process*, slowly learned (this, I learned, after a recent blunder where I assumed the best tactic would be to allow myself free access to any- and everything I might want).

So, as I read some of my intuitive eating literature this morning, I was thinking about food. While I took a shower, fed the pets, surfed the internet, and checked my email, I was also thinking about food. Because there is very little I'm keeping in the house at the moment, I became preoccupied with where and when my next meal would come from. How was I going to schedule a time to (1) buy food for the day and (2) consume said food between my work schedule and other appointments for the day. On the other hand, if my cupboards were suddenly filled or my fridge magically brimming with chilled items, the anxiety would still be there...only the internal questions would differ (Am I hungry? Should I eat now? What time is a reasonable time to eat? How do I portion out my food for the day among all these choices? etc, etc, etc...)

I'm so flustered by this anxiety around food, and it seems like there's no escape from it. I can have it, or not, and the anxiety remains. Meanwhile, I'm perpetually distracted by the deeper feelings/needs that led me to turn to food to begin with. How can I possibly focus on these issues when my mind is racing with these looming - yet, ultimately insignificant - thoughts?

*sigh* My rant for today. Cheers all!

Beginner's Comments

Today, I started to listen to my hunger. To be more precise...I *strained* to hear the voice of my hunger. I can't actually remember ever really listening (except, perhaps, on extremely rare occasions), but I am listening now and learning to eat intuitively...with trust and without judgement.

Already I've read many personal accounts from other who have struggled with this same challenge. As I embark on this journey, I realize that I'm scared and unsure exactly how to listen to my hunger and feed it without deprivation or over indulgence. I thought that chronicling my experience would (in my sincerest hope) be useful to others who have decided to choose a happy, open and fulfilling life free of obsessive rules and fears surrounding food.

My dedication to learning to eat intuitively and enjoy my life is strong and sincere. So, I hope you will learn some things about my struggles and use them to move forward in your own food-related hardships. I will try to make my journey as open and honest as possible. One of the first "rules" I've learned already to overcome disordered eating is (paraphrasing here) "don't cover or lie for your disorder." Therefore, I'm choosing to be open and revealing about my experiences here. No longer will I retreat into isolation and subservience to my food issues.

It's time for me to let go and surrender to the process of healing. I look forward (with enthusiasm and fear) to this journey with you...